LifeAccordingToEvy

What does a New Year mean when you are battling your own body? A new year may not be as exciting for you as it is for everyone else. A new year for most symbolizes new beginnings, change, the start of something exciting but for someone battling their own body? Someone battling cancer a new year can be the just the beginning of dread, the beginning of despair, the beginning of something scary because as the old goes away sometimes so does the hope. So tonight as I watched the ball drop and we did a new tradition of the 12 grapes I began to cry.We were supposed to with each grape we ate make a wish for the new year. I don't know what others wished for but I will say I can imagine it went something like this: For 2022 I wish to find love, start a family, finally have the baby I have always wanted, get a promotion for work, buy a home or get a new car. All valid and all wonderful wishes for this new year and new start for some but they were not my wishes. I don't need to find love ...

  It’s hard. You open up to people and be vulnerable about your health and they say: if you need help let us know. Here’s the thing... when you actually say yea I am not feeling well enough right now or be vulnerable about the fact that chemo messes with your mind as well as your body. People can’t handle it!  When you’ve worked 10-12 hour days and exhaustion hits and mistakes occur. Or because you’re working with kids and some days you struggle to sit down for more than 10 minutes and your entire body is screaming out in pain. When the kids have you stressed, your brand new staff is trying their best but still learning. Or when you’re  reminded that because of it all you’ve apparently inconvenienced others (who were the ones asking if you need help).  How about when your hands are tied to hire the staff that will take the right responsibility so you feel like you are running in circles to keep up with trying to train staff and make things fun, safe, educational and ...

I’ve struggled with this writing. My heart hurts! Absolutely, positively in pain. You have three of the most amazing children to ever grace this world. Three children who are smart, funny, bright, loving, intelligent and have hearts of gold. You abandon them. You can’t even tell me, or anyone for that matter... what their favorite color is! Who they are in a relationship with or crushing on. Who is their best friend? What about what are they currently studying? How about what school do they attend? Favorite food? Favorite Disney character or even do they prefer Marvel or DC? What are they most afraid of? Have their hearts been broken (besides by you I mean) and do they prefer vanilla or chocolate? All things a parent knows. Do you know it?    So tell me when did you last speak with them? Do you know how Lissy’s voice sounds raspy when she is calm and just as excitable as a toddler when she’s excited? How about Kiki’s voice and how it’s booming and authoritative when she talks ...

People ask me what does cancer feel like? Valid question for someone trying to understand but it’s not an easy one to try to explain in a quick short answer. Most people ask but I will be perfectly honest not many can handle the answer. But here I go.  1. It’s painful. It’s a constant 24 hour pain that is dull and draining and exhausting. There are bursts of sharp shooting pains in between. Some days the pain is manageable and others? Well the pain wins. It’s wanting to eat sometimes feeling hunger and your stomach revolts and now it’s empty again. Nausea so overwhelming you feel almost like you want to pass out from it all   2. It’s knowing that there is a poison inside your body that fights you everyday. Everyday you wake up knowing that you are almost in an abusive and toxic relationship with it and all you can do is dream of the day the breakup between you and cancer finally happens. The longing for freedom all while feeling trapped.  3. It’s seeing the look on your l...

There is so many emotions I’m feeling. So many! With the start of my hair loss I have faced my fear right now. I know, I know most think it’s a matter of vanity but it’s not actually. Do I love my hair? Absolutely!!! Omg I loved how it grew. Nice and long, dark and wavy. But the vanity isn’t my fear! I have to say I have been bald and not to toot my horn I know I look good! Sorry for sounding so conceited but actually no I am not sorry. I know I can rock the bald head. Look:  But here is my biggest fear: when the manifestation of what I feel on the inside, matches the the way I look on the outside and now I see the looks on others faces. The look of pity. The look of fear. The look of woah is she sick? When my hair was intact no one could look at me and give that look of pity. I was able to hide behind that mask. I could be normal. I could be the me I wanted to be!  But now, now I don’t get to be the me I wanna be in others eyes. I get to be the woman who gets the looks... the...

  I’m not trying to sound greedy when I say there is never enough time. I find time to be the most precious gift we are granted in life. Time however is one of the trickiest and most elusive of gifts we ever receive. You see time never stops, it never slows down, it always is moving and changing and just like running water it can not be grasped in your hands.   When I say it’s never enough is because how can one pack all the love they feel and share into x amount of time? I understand life happens. I understand work and responsibilities have to happen. I even understand one needs rest and sleep but time never slows down enough to have the moments that make life worth living to occur.  I’ve faced mortality enough to know that I won’t spend another iota of time wasting on chasing the all mighty dollar. I won’t find love and happiness there! I won’t chase false loves, friendships, relationships and acquaintances because when I’m at my end NONE of them will be around. I won’t...