Do You Need Any Help?

 

It’s hard. You open up to people and be vulnerable about your health and they say: if you need help let us know. Here’s the thing... when you actually say yea I am not feeling well enough right now or be vulnerable about the fact that chemo messes with your mind as well as your body. People can’t handle it! 

When you’ve worked 10-12 hour days and exhaustion hits and mistakes occur. Or because you’re working with kids and some days you struggle to sit down for more than 10 minutes and your entire body is screaming out in pain. When the kids have you stressed, your brand new staff is trying their best but still learning. Or when you’re  reminded that because of it all you’ve apparently inconvenienced others (who were the ones asking if you need help). 

How about when your hands are tied to hire the staff that will take the right responsibility so you feel like you are running in circles to keep up with trying to train staff and make things fun, safe, educational and please every family that walks in the door. You are answering calls, answering messages. You simply ask for help in going over resumes and to look at a list that takes you 2 hours a day to make so pick up is easier but you are adding too much on others plates.

 You build relationships with all 100+ kids and their families and know who is who and even what day grandma is coming to visit. You mend boo boos, call parents who forgot that lunch time happens at 11:30 and their child needs to eat. You send out messages to staff about important details to remember, conduct interviews daily, process new hire paperwork daily and oh yea your coffee... it’s been sitting there for 4 hours now and it’s bone cold, forget about remembering to eat something, anything... did I even use the bathroom yet?

 And oh yea sometimes I take 5 steps and hear over the walkie Ms. Evy I need this... I need that... so and so is having a tantrum or picking on this child. Ms. Evy can you take a Spanish call? This parent wants to know why their child went with this group (where they made friends) instead of this one (where they weren’t making any friends).

 By the way again you forgot to even pee and now it’s been 2 hours since you had to go. But they say remember just ask when you need something. And all the noise, all the exhaustion, all the pain, chemo and your inability to fully get a good nights sleep leaves your brain in a constant state of fog. 

Sometimes you hide for 5 minutes in the bathroom just to have a cry cause God forbid you do it in front of anyone! You are now incapable to cope and handle and instead of honestly meaning... how can I help? People look for ways to belittle all the hard work you went through. 

All the sacrifice and now it’s a dog eat dog world of look I had to do this for you cause it’s your fault you didn’t do it. Yet silently you try to cope because you need to pay your bills and chemo. This is the part no one wants to hear about. The suffering (true suffering) that leads you to wonder what is worse? Cancer or the way people react when the true side effects come and you desperately need help that burdens those around you?