My Biggest Fear



There is so many emotions I’m feeling. So many! With the start of my hair loss I have faced my fear right now. I know, I know most think it’s a matter of vanity but it’s not actually. Do I love my hair? Absolutely!!! Omg I loved how it grew. Nice and long, dark and wavy. But the vanity isn’t my fear! I have to say I have been bald and not to toot my horn I know I look good! Sorry for sounding so conceited but actually no I am not sorry. I know I can rock the bald head. Look: 



But here is my biggest fear: when the manifestation of what I feel on the inside, matches the the way I look on the outside and now I see the looks on others faces. The look of pity. The look of fear. The look of woah is she sick? When my hair was intact no one could look at me and give that look of pity. I was able to hide behind that mask. I could be normal. I could be the me I wanted to be! 

But now, now I don’t get to be the me I wanna be in others eyes. I get to be the woman who gets the looks... the look of oh poor woman. She is so sick. I don’t get to be the strong badass anymore. 

I made a video the other day that stated my biggest fear was having people see me as I see me. Because I see the pain. I see the hurt. I see what this is making me feel in the inside and I never wanted ANYONE to see it. I wanted everyone to see what I wanted them to see. What I consented to allow them to see. But now that is leaving. 

So my biggest fear is you will see me through my eyes instead of yours. That you will treat me differently. That I am no longer the woman I want the world to see. And that feeling makes this feel all the more worse. That feeling of losing me... that makes me feel defeated. When people say you are still beautiful it’s a nice compliment but I would rather, you look strong.... powerful... sensual... not awe it’s ok you are still beautiful. 

My biggest fear is you see me like I see me. 





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